Quotations: Humorous

***** "To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad."-Jack Handey
***** "I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."-Jack Handey

***** "If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward."-Jack Handey

***** "I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."-Jack Handey

***** "One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."-Jack Handey

***** "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."-Douglas Adams
***** "When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."-Albert Einstein

***** "The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech."-George Bernard Shaw

***** "The Soviet propaganda ministry ordered 10 million condoms from an American manufacturer, all 16" long and 3" in diameter. The American manufacturer filled the order, sending the merchandise in boxes marked 'medium.'"-???

***** "People don't go there anymore. It's too crowded."-Yogi Bera

***** "I want to die sleeping peacefully, - like my grandma; not screaming with horror, - like those, who were as passangers in her car."-???

***** "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."-Winston Churchill

***** "I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."-Jack Handey

***** "The supreme irony of life is hardly anyone ever gets out of it alive."-Robert Heinlein

***** "I think I'll believe in Gosh instead of God. If you don't believe in Gosh too, you'll be darned to heck."-???

***** "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good."-Woody Allen

***** "Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep."-Fran Lebowitz

***** "If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"-Art Hoppe

***** "There is no clearer manifestation of pure evil than teachers giving assignments over holiday breaks."-James Halloran

***** "Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."-Jack Handey

***** "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."-Jack Handey

***** "As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!"-Jack Handey

***** "I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality."-Jack Handey
***** "Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."-Jack Handey

***** "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."-Jack Handey
***** "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."-Jack Handey